How can i forgive myself for making up a lie to the man i love?

this man i was seeing for a year... (it's an on and off relationship bec. he's not ready to commit himself to anybody a.t.m.. and he decides to stop seeing me for while coz he realize i am getting more attched to him. so he wanted some space and to find himself...that's why in a year, our relationship has been going on and off) i made up a lie behind his back. i made up a not real identity of myself to find out some information and made friends with his ex girls he kind of met and seeing and from that, i found out he was seeing some girl when he's decided to stop seeing me and when they break up or something, he comes back to me... yes i found out about it and i should have stopped from then but i love him and i've accepted him for what he is so whenevr he's ready to see me again, i say yes... i felt horrible. it was too late for me to cancel that not real identity of myself and he found out about it. and he told me on a msg to just leave him alone... i felt really sad.... i know i shouldn;t have done what i did and i HONESTLY REALLY DO REGRET IT AND WILL NEVER DO THAT AGAIN...i feel like i dont know myself anymore... after what happened. and since he wouldn't let me explain everything, all he said was to leave him alone... i don't know if i can ever forgive myself unless he give me that chance and i don't even know if he will... i just hope he realize one day that YES I LIED TO HIM BEHIND HIS BACK but ALL THE TIMES THAT WE SPENT TOGETHER, THAT WAS THE REAL ME and I LOVED HIM TRULY...